Baby's two months old

Today felt like the longest day of my life. Nicky stepped into his two months, meaning my maternity leave has come to an end, and grandma started to take care of him today.

I've learned last couple months that many things were easier to said than to endure. I swear I can handle the pain of labor but end up screaming for epidural like a mad woman. I said I probably couldn't wait to get back to work by two months and now I experience great sense of lost.

Hubby had given me the greatest gift that I was able to stay with Nicky to bond and love the first two months of his life without interference by others. I cherished and cherished every seconds of this two months like life ends at the end of the path. Perhaps it is my fault that I hold dear to these moments with such intensity that now it is so hard to let go. I can't hold on to the baby forever, but today when I'm not caring him, I felt a very intense sense of lost, every single seconds of it. And all I can do is grab my computer and hide behind it, pretending that I'm browsing the net and typing with my shaky fingers.

Babies don't wait for you, they dont wait for you to go to bathroom when they decide to eat. They don't stop changing, growing, learning, so you better keep up. They don't hold still in time, no matter how hard to hug them. Time flies, it flew so quickly it terrifies me.

Until today last 9 months has been the happiest, memorable days of my life. No fear, no worries, just a lot of love. I might not have married the greatest dad in the world, but I married the greatest husband on the planet.

I'm scare, I feel lost, my heart hurts, and to top it off baby decide to cry like he never ever did before when I finally had a little time alone with him at night. I really feel like shit right now. (and probably why Nicky is crying too since he can sense my emotion)

I guess here is the true test of life, I need to be strong. Women now holds more than one role in modern life and I truely wants to continue to succeed in my career at the same time be a great mother and wife. For the first time in life, I truely understand why 24 hours a day is too short. Sleep should really postpond til death.

A new chapter has started, it involves letting go, it involves a lot of changes, it involves telling myself I can't do everything.

I'm so fucking scare.